Showing posts tagged kvetching.

Tumbling Jewyorican

Ask me a question!    This is where I post interesting and important things I find in the series of tubes y'all call the internet

    Some asshat just asked me when I was planning on having another baby. It took me 2 minutes to stop laughing hysterically before I could say “FAIL”

    You fail asshat, you fail.

    AH: But she’s so cute how do you not want another one? Me: She’s so cute I don’t need another one.


    — 3 years ago
    #baby  #family  #kvetching 
    Mike and I have different last names. And apparently @asf_73 is the father of my child.

    Roosevelt hospital is from the 1920s and has severe problems with the fact that people with two different last names can live together and produce a baby. Because even though we filled out all the babydaddy paperwork and gave said babydaddy paperwork to everyfuckingbody Adi’s birth certificate came to us in the mail and it’s fucking wrong. So according to our fair city, Mr Levin isn’t the father of his child. Which is kind of a fucking problem, you know, because he’s the fucking father.

    If I legally changed my last name to Levin this wouldn’t be a problem. But because I’m still Figueroa I’m clearly a whore and need to bring 15 people on Maury to determine who the babydaddy is. Because the two of us just saying who the father is isn’t enough. Of course if I brought Angel with me and just said he was the father they wouldn’t ask any questions because even though we aren’t married or living together or shtupping we have the same last name. We wouldn’t even have to fill out babydaddy paperwork.

    So now we have to go back to the hospital and make them correct it. LAME

    This is what George Takei thinks of the ass who can’t figure out that Mr Levin is the father.

    — 3 years ago with 2 notes
    #baby  #family  #kvetching  #labor 
    A poorly written hormone induced rant about my baby’s life, who I want involved in said life, and people not respecting my wishes about said persons not being involved in said life.

    Begin Rant

    My father just doesn’t seem to get that I don’t want his mother involved with my child’s life AT ALL. He says he accepts it but his actions indicate otherwise. It’s extremely frustrating.

    I’ll have to make it more clear to him how I feel about the matter. I’ve spoken to him about it numerous times and he always says that he understands how I feel. He has never argued with me about it. Usually he agrees with my grievances (and sometimes adds a few of his own)

    I get the feeling that he’s hoping I’ll change my mind so that he won’t have to deal with his mother. I’m not changing my mind. He’s had long enough to address his mother’s harmful behavior and has chosen not to. I’m not addressing it and I’m not exposing my daughter to it either.

    Every few days for a few months now he’ll casually mention her in a conversation despite my already explaining to him how I feel. I just ignore it and continue like he never did. This ignoring worked for me- until the baby came. Now I’m an extra hormonal bundle of G*d knows what and I’m finding that I’m getting angry. I don’t want to feel angry around the baby.

    I haven’t seen her in over 2 years even though she comes up from PR pretty often. She was up here in the beginning of October. She’ll be up here again for the Xmas season- which will be the first time she’ll be up here since the birth. I imagine that she’s expecting to see me and the baby. I imagine that there’s going to be one fuck of a blow-up when she doesn’t.

    A few random statements:

    I donated the baby gift she left with my dad to charity.

    She doesn’t know where I live.

    I made the decision to not have her involved in the life of my kid before I got pregnant.

    All I want is what’s best for my kid.

    End Rant

    — 3 years ago
    #family  #parenting  #drama  #baby  #stress  #hormones  #kvetching 
    Late Night Psycho Rant: Facebook Friend Requests

    Getting facebook friend requests from an excoworker you haven’t seen or spoken to in a zillion years is a little creepy.

    Getting facebook friend requests from your husband’s excoworker he hasn’t seen or spoken to in a zillion years (before he met you) with no introduction message explaining who she is, is extra special sauce creepy.

    Look! A friend request from a total stranger. Let me just blindly accept! Hooray! If I have to ask Mr Levin who you are, I feel like I deserve a fucking introduction you fucking creeper 0_o

    I don’t just friend strangers from the late 90s. I’m not that kind of girl.

    Is a “hi I’m so-and-so from the late 90s I used to work with your husband” message so hard? I mean I still wouldn’t friend you but at least you wouldn’t be the creepy topic of a late night psycho rant.

    — 3 years ago
    Oy Vey Maria

    The following conversation actually fucking happened:

    Catholic Person: Are you having the baby baptized?

    Me: No

    CP: Why?

    Me: Mike and I are Jewish

    CP: Yeah but what about the baby

    Me: Also Jewish

    CP: But if she isn’t baptized what are you going to do?

    Me: Well I’m pretty new at this but I imagine I’ll be doing some combination of feeding, cleaning, and burping

    CP: So what do Jews do?

    Me: Boys get a bris

    CP: And girls?

    Me: Well some girls have baby naming ceremonies, but not everyone does it

    CP: That’s sexist

    Me: I think that if you had your foreskin removed you deserve a party. Also I’m pretty sure the catholic church isn’t in a position to call ANYTHING sexist seeing as you only rape the little boys.

    CP: Yo that’s not right. All I’m saying is that you should baptize your baby.

    Me: What’s not right is you trying to pour a bowl of your religion over my baby’s head. Or do you people do the dunking thing

    CP: You don’t have to be a bitch about it.


    I miss the good ol days when the catholics would just kill the people who wouldn’t get baptized instead of constantly nagging them. But I guess torturing and killing everyone isn’t politically correct anymore.

    — 3 years ago with 4 notes
    #jewish  #catholic  #religion  #baby  #kvetching 
    :-( Prop 19 Failed :-(

    I was gonna vote for prop 19 but then I got high/I was gonna use the voting machine but then I got high/now weed is still illegal and I know why/ because I got high because I got high because I got hiiiiiigh/ la da da da dadada da

    — 3 years ago with 1 note
    #weed  #420  #vote  #election  #prop 19  #kvetching  #labor 
    A long poorly written post about how November is going to be a doozy and some other random thoughts about how everything is about to change and shit

    People: When are you due?

    Me: October

    People: It’s November

    Me: Yep

    Funny story: on Sunday I’ll have been pregnant for 10 months. I’m also being induced Sunday- So by Sunday I’ll have a kid. w00t!

    Another funny story, I’m doing NaNoWriMo again this year. And I’m still doing the sketchbook project. And I must be a fucking lunatic because I’m going to write a 50,000 word novel, finish (I hope) 1/2 of my sketchbook (which is due in January), and take care of a brand spanking new infant all in November. Which starts today.

    What the hell am I thinking? I’m thinking I’m going to be home a lot especially during the first month of infantitude. And it’s getting cold, so I’m going to be spending a lot of that time inside… I need to keep my mind active. I NEED to do NaNoWriMo again or else I’m going to go mad…well, madder than I am already. I’ve seen those new moms…the ones who forget the English language and who they were before they had a baby because all they do is take care of said baby. Then they become obsessive over every little parenting thing because there simply isn’t anything else to think about. Then that obsession turns into self-righteousness, then they buy a box of soap and well, I already wrote a blog post about that didn’t I…

    So what is my novel going to be about? I have no idea. Last year I did a kabbalah zombie horror comedy inspired by my estranged paternal grandmother and her friend Larry…most of the characters (and everyone in Riverdale) died. It was my first ever novel. It was also the worst fucking novel ever written. Maybe this year I’ll write about this poor woman who was pregnant forfuckingever. Maybe I’ll write it about my awesome (and often blogged about) maternal grandparents. Maybe I’ll write it about my gay degus (I don’t mean gay in a derogatory way, I mean I have two male degus who have sex and sleep together and snuggle and groom each other and occasionally argue like an old married couple- it’s very sweet) Maybe I better figure this out soon, because I’m a few pages in already and have no idea where this is going.

    A few other thoughts I need to get out before I give birth and forget to vent/express them:

    • If one more person tells me to have sex I’m going to rape them in every available orifice with an old splintery broom handle.
    • I’m sooo glad I live in a ‘hood like Inwood. It’s full of awesome people and awesome moms that I’m friends with, and I’m not the least bit afraid of being isolated in stay-at-home motherhood because all I have to do is sneeze and I land in front of an awesome person to hang out with.
    • Sometimes people (especially ones who don’t use twitter) who read my tweets/blog make fun of me because I tweet about “everything”. One day, I’m going to actually tweet every thing I do, everything, every shit, shower, shag, and shoe shine. Here’s the thing about twitter that a lot of people don’t get. It’s a community thing. A huge chunk of my in-real-life ‘hood friends come from my twitter interactions. A huge chunk of the people I ‘talk’ with on twitter I haven’t met in real life. It’s not creepy it’s awesome, and cool, and often therapeutic because it helps you realize you aren’t the only one with -insert thing- out there. Sure I tweet stupid shit, but I get responses on a lot of that stupid shit, and it’s fun. When I was in miserable hot-flash land during the heat wave and I didn’t leave the apartment much because I was swollen and sweaty and pregnant I was talking and commiserating and joking around with people on twitter/tumblr/facebook. So there.
    • Three weeks ago, I forgot to pick up my farm share. Two weeks ago I forgot to pick up my farm share. Last week I forgot to pick up my farm share. At first I was upset that I was losing all this food. But then I remembered that the homeless shelter comes by and picks up the unclaimed food and feeds the homeless people with it. So while forgetting my farm share for three weeks, I gave three weeks worth of produce to homeless people. I’ll probably forget this week too. And that’s ok. I’m lucky that I can afford to go to the store and buy all the food I need, and I hope that whatever homeless guy is eating my local organic produce enjoys it.
    • In less than a week I’m going to be a mother. holy shit.
    • In less than a week Mr Levin is going to be a father. holy shit
    • holy shit
    • I’m going to try and live tweet my birth/labor. I don’t know if anyone has ever done this before, but I definitely won’t be the last. And don’t tell me tweeting labor is weird. You know what’s weird? Filming it and uploading your big snatch and flapjack titties to youtube, or showing it to your kids 20 years later. Thats fucking weird.
    • I know I blogged about how much I hate soapbox moms but I’m going to climb up on a soapbox and say this: Moms who don’t vaccinate their kids are fucking morons. Not vaccinating your kids won’t protect them from autism. Your kids are going to be retarded just like their mom no matter what. One day your kid is going to get polio and you’re going to feel like an asshole. Then instead of being just a retard-like-his-mom, he’s going to be a retard-like-his-mom-but-also-with-polio.
    • I used to hate having ADHD, but now I love it. Sure I have the attention span of a fruit fly but I think that oooooh look shiny
    • If you live in California vote to legalize marijuana. VOTE YES on Prop 19
    • I’ve noticed that the longer I’m pregnant the more swear-words end up in my posts.
    • Fuck You
    • I miss the Lower East Side
    • My ‘gay best friend’ moved away. I need a new one. Is there an application I need to fill out or a waiting list or something?
    — 3 years ago with 1 note
    #nanowrimo  #life  #november  #writing  #art  #family  #kvetching  #labor 

    I’m at the Vegetarian Dim Sum house on Pell St reminiscing about when I used to come here years ago and the only people here were Chinese or Jewish (90% Chinese 10% Jewish unless it was Xmas then it was 50/50). Now Mr Levin and I are the only Jews, there’s 1 table of Chinese and the rest of the place is fucking loudmouth fucking hipsters. Seriously. Someone just asked for a fucking fork. Dimsum isn’t ironic-go back to Williamsburg asshole. The waiters speak English now.

    At least the food is still just as good as it was back then.

    Fucking Hipsters

    — 3 years ago with 1 note
    #dim sum  #food  #hipsters  #rant  #chinese  #jewish  #nyc  #kvetching 
    A thought on homophobia

    I think people are using the term homophobia incorrectly. A true ‘homophobe’ would fear gays the way I fear flying insects (I hyperventilate and have a panic attack if bugs land on me- I can’t go into the butterfly exhibit at the zoo because I freak out). If you hyperventilate or break out into a cold sweat or have a panic attack or run away screaming around gay people then you have homophobia. If you don’t, and you want to discriminate against them anyway by not letting them into the army or giving them marriage rights then you aren’t homophobic. You’re an asshole.

    — 3 years ago with 1 note
    #gay  #LGBT  #Politics  #DADT  #phobia  #fear  #discrimination  #kvetching 

    UPDATE: Midwife says I’m not in labor (Thank You for that stunning report Captain Obvious!)

    I have a biophysical Tuesday 11/2 where they will check my fluids and shit and if my fluids are low or my placenta got lazy they’ll induce me. If my fluids and shit are good I’m getting induced (if no birth yet) Sunday 11/7.

    So no matter what I’ll have a baby in at most 10 days

    People reading this from Facebook: for more detailed/frequent updates follow my twitter:

    — 3 years ago with 1 note
    A Couple of Run-on sentences about Bagels

    I want bagels, real bagels not the frozen bagels, or those bullshit circular wonderbreads with a fucking hole in the middle, but real life hand rolled bagels because I’m spoiled because I used to go to Brooklyn all the time ever since I was a little kid but now that I’m about to pop, I can’t go down there all the fucking time for eating and grocery shopping and more eating so I need a Plan B which right now  is going to the farmer’s market and begging all of the baked goods people to start having bagels, I mean they sell Challah there but what the fuck good is selling Challah on a Saturday morning? If it’s Saturday I already have my challah I want Bagels!!! If you assholes can sell me 3 different kinds of Babka you can sell me a fucking bagel and every time I’m forced to eat a non-New York bagel I die a little inside. 

    — 3 years ago with 2 notes
    #Brooklyn,  #bagels  #New York  #foodie  #Farmers Market  #Inwood  #kvetching 
    A pretty long poorly written unedited rant on ‘soapbox moms’, natural birth, belief, and French Toast

    I don’t believe in French Toast. 

    When I was 37 weeks pregnant I tested positive for Group B streptococcus. It’s no big deal. 15% to 40% of all healthy, adult women have it. The only problem with it is that there is a 1 in 100 chance of it being transmitted to the baby during labor, which can lead to the baby getting pneumonia, meningitis, heart problems, blood pressure instability, and kidney failure. It could also flat out kill the baby. 

    Wait, that sounds like a big deal. 

    Before you panic, there’s a treatment that prevents the baby from getting GBS. It’s called Penicillin. When I (finally) go into labor, and get to the hospital, the doctor will give me a shot of penicillin. The penicillin will go through my system, make it’s way to my placenta, and get into Foetus.  When Foetus gets the penicillin, it will no longer be at risk for getting GBS. That’s it. One shot (or two depending on how long I’m in labor) of penicillin and my baby won’t get meningitis. 

    Boo Meningitis! Hooray Science! Hooray Penicillin! Hooray Beer! 

    There’s this ‘soapbox mom’ I know, who when I told her about my GBS positive freaked out. Why? Not because of pneumonia, or meningitis, or kidney failure, but because of penicillin. You know, because it’s so horrible how in America GBS positive pregnant women are FORCED to get penicillin by the CDC. Penicillin could make the baby sick! Think about the risk! Babies who get penicillin have a statistically higher chance of getting sick during their first few months! It will be harder to breastfeed! You might end up having to give your kid formula! FORMULA!!! THE HORROR! 

    You know what’s worse than giving your kid penicillin, causing it to get a cold, and having it (somehow) end up on formula? Much worse? Meningitis. Google it. Now. I’ll wait…

    I’m not a doctor, but I’m going to go ahead and hypothesize that formula fed penicillin babies have a higher chance of survival than the 1 in 100 meningitis or pneumonia babies. They certainly have a higher survival rate than the dead babies. 

    So you might be thinking, this ‘soapbox mom’ is a real asshat for trying to make me feel bad over penicillin. Maybe she is. It doesn’t matter. I don’t feel bad, and she’s entitled to stand on her soapbox and voice her opinion. That doesn’t make her right, but whatever. This is America. She has a right voice whatever opinion she wants.

    So anyway, imagine her horror when I told her about 'Plan B'. Imagine her further horror when I told her that I was totally ok with it. 


    Yes. I am. 

    But people who get induced have a statistically higher chance of getting an epidural which leads to a statistically higher chance of getting a C-section! Are you ok with C-sections?

    Yes. I am. 

    It is entirely possible (and a little bit likely) that if I make it to 42 weeks, I will end up with a C-section. The vast majority of doctors induce labor if the mother goes 2 weeks past her due date (42 weeks) in accordance with the medical standards of the good ‘ol U S of A. 

    Soapbox Mom’s response? “I don’t want the state to tell me when to give birth”. 

    Good for you.  I’m not a fan of the government telling me what to do. That’s why I make my decisions based on what my doctor and midwife tell me. Of course at my last appointment where we discussed 'Plan B' the midwife had to call Sheldon Silver first, and get his opinion…later that week during a discussion of the government’s decisions regarding my labor on ‘Inside City Hall’, Curtis Sliwa dangled soap on a rope in of the camera and Gerson Borrero kept calling Mike ‘Miguelito’… but that’s besides the point.

    Yes, it’s more profitable for hospitals (and insurance companies) to do C-sections than to do natural births. That doesn’t mean all C-sections are conspiracies. Nor does it mean that induction at 42 weeks is inhumane and my doctor is evil. And it doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person or a bad mom for trusting my midwife and agreeing to her plan. 

    -I should mention that soapbox mom refused to be induced, was pregnant for waaay longer than 42 weeks, and gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby at her planned home birth. Good for her and her healthy baby. May we all have healthy babies-

    But Rachel! I thought you BELIEVED in natural birth! 

    Belief doesn’t belong in birth. I think people throw the word belief around too much. 

    I don’t believe in natural birth. 

    I don’t believe in evolution either. I accept the theory of evolution based on the evidence behind it, but I don’t believe in it. I wouldn’t cling to evolution if scientists found evidence to suggest that humans didn’t come from primates but from oysters instead. If science proves that we came from oysters planted on Earth by Plutonians as part of an elaborate practical joke, I would accept it. Belief has no place in science. 

    So with that being said, I accept natural birth. Based on my research on the subject, classes I took, and a bunch of other stuff, I accept that the best thing for most-or at the very least my- baby would be an intervention free vaginal birth. Ideally I will go into labor naturally, do most of my labor at home, and then when it’s time, have Mike drive me to Roosevelt Hospital for a complication free birth center birth. No drugs, No painkillers, No surgery. 

    Unfortunately we don’t live in an ideal world. My original birth-plan is still possible, and I have until November 1st to go into labor naturally before I get kicked out of the birth center and moved into the regular hospital labor section. And I have until November 9th to have a natural birth in the regular Labor and Delivery wing at the hospital. I could get induced. I could need a C-section and end up with a penicillin tweeking formula baby. I’m ok with that. 

    What I’m not ok with are soapbox moms who throw around words like ‘statistics’ or ‘science’ or ‘veganism’ or ‘breastfeeding’ or ‘I believe’ or anything to hide the fact that all they really want to do is validate their misuse of belief by making other moms feel bad about their different choices. Seriously- unless you see a mom beating her kid with a Klingon pain stick- her parenting decisions are probably no better or worse than yours. 

    What I’m not ok with is soapbox moms who give me shit for not ‘fighting for’ a natural birth. The goal isn’t to have a natural birth. The goal is to have a healthy baby…no matter what you do to get one. The goal isn’t to breastfeed, it’s to feed you baby. If the best way to do that is tit juice, then good for you. If the best way to do that is formula, then good for you. Lucky we live in a country where we can choose how to feed our babies. G*d Bless America. 

    What I’m not ok with is moms who spend their days standing on a soapbox trying to talk down to me about what they believe is the best way I should have and raise babies. Statistically,  I believe soapbox moms are asshats. See? I said statistically and I believe. Therefore I am right and you suck. 

    I like French Toast. My ideal breakfast is French Toast. However, if there is no French Toast available I’ll eat something else. I’m not going to starve myself until I get French Toast. 

    I don’t believe in French Toast. 

    — 4 years ago with 1 note
    Random Pregnancy Update: Plan B

    So my due date is in 4 days.


    Am I going to give birth by my due date? 

    Probably not. 

    So now what? What’s “Plan B”?

    So basically I have until 6 days after my fucking due date to have this fucking baby before they fucking kick me out of the fucking birth center and fucking make me go to the fucking regular hospital labor & fucking delivery wing. 

    After I hit 41 fucking weeks I have to get a fucking biophysical profile sonogram thing every 3 fucking days to check the fucking Foetus and my fucking placenta and my fucking amniotic fluids n shit to make sure those are all still fucking fine. If they are less then fucking fine then they will fucking induce me. If they are still fucking fine then they will give me until 42 fucking weeks to fucking go into fucking labor fucking naturally. 

    At 42 fucking weeks they’re fucking ‘going in’….

    So basically the lastest possible fucking date for fucking Foetus to make her grand fucking entrance is November fucking 9th. I really fucking hope it doesn’t take that fucking long because I’m fucking ready to walk down to the fucking surgical supply store, buy my fucking ass a fucking scalpel and just fucking do it myfuckingself. All I fucking need is a fucking bag of fucking ice and a fucking stapler and some fucking duct tape right? And maybe a fucking aspirin. 

    — 4 years ago with 1 note
    #kvetching  #labor 

    So I get that John Lennon contributed a lot to music and culture and blah blah blah but why is everyone celebrating his 70th birthday? It’s not his 70th birthday. You know, because he’s fucking dead.

    I think I just lost like 50 friends.

    — 4 years ago

    I’m sick of this whole still being pregnant thing. If you can schedule a C-section why the hell can’t you schedule a natural birth? This is America dammit!


    — 4 years ago with 1 note