Wow! My happy new-mom hormones are in overdrive! A woman from @Chabad just called and asked if I wanted to donate some amount of $ so that poor people could celebrate Chanukah but the baby was fussing and I wasn’t listening to how much money she wanted but I said ok to whatever she said and gave my credit card number and I have no idea how much I donated. I hope it was a good amount.

Chappy Chanukah Chabad!

The following conversation actually fucking happened:

Catholic Person: Are you having the baby baptized?

Me: No

CP: Why?

Me: Mike and I are Jewish

CP: Yeah but what about the baby

Me: Also Jewish

CP: But if she isn’t baptized what are you going to do?

Me: Well I’m pretty new at this but I imagine I’ll be doing some combination of feeding, cleaning, and burping

CP: So what do Jews do?

Me: Boys get a bris

CP: And girls?

Me: Well some girls have baby naming ceremonies, but not everyone does it

CP: That’s sexist

Me: I think that if you had your foreskin removed you deserve a party. Also I’m pretty sure the catholic church isn’t in a position to call ANYTHING sexist seeing as you only rape the little boys.

CP: Yo that’s not right. All I’m saying is that you should baptize your baby.

Me: What’s not right is you trying to pour a bowl of your religion over my baby’s head. Or do you people do the dunking thing

CP: You don’t have to be a bitch about it.

-headdesk-

I miss the good ol days when the catholics would just kill the people who wouldn’t get baptized instead of constantly nagging them. But I guess torturing and killing everyone isn’t politically correct anymore.

I’m at the Vegetarian Dim Sum house on Pell St reminiscing about when I used to come here years ago and the only people here were Chinese or Jewish (90% Chinese 10% Jewish unless it was Xmas then it was 50/50). Now Mr Levin and I are the only Jews, there’s 1 table of Chinese and the rest of the place is fucking loudmouth fucking hipsters. Seriously. Someone just asked for a fucking fork. Dimsum isn’t ironic-go back to Williamsburg asshole. The waiters speak English now.

At least the food is still just as good as it was back then.

Fucking Hipsters

Kosher Turkeys and Mr. Levin’s Beard

A non-Jewish neighbor needed a favor from Mike. This is what happened

Step 1: Catch a Fish (make sure it has BOTH fins and scales)

Step 2: Get a guy who isn’t skeeved out by fish guts to fillet the fish for you (but keep the heads etc to make the fish stock)

Step 3: De-bone the fish fillets

Step 4: Place the  bones, skin, and fish heads in a large pot. Add water and salt and bring to a boil. Remove the foamy stuff. Slice 1 onion in rounds and add along with some carrots, and celery. Add sugar and bring to a boil. Cover and simmer for about 20 minutes while the fish fillets  are being prepped.

Step 5:  Put the deboned fish fillets in a blender.

Step 6: Blend them.

Step 7: In a Slapchop finely chop  onions,  carrots, and maybe a parsnip- add to the blended fish

Step 8: Mix in  eggs,  some salt, pepper,  cold water, and mix . Stir in enough matzah meal to make a light, soft mixture into ovals (or cubes for all I care), about the size of…i dunno… a fracking gefilte fish.

Step 9: Take the onions, skins, head, and bones out of the pot and return the stock to a simmer. Put the fish ovals (or trapezoids) in the simmering fish stock. Cover loosely and simmer for an episode of COPS.
Step 10: Remove the Gefiltes from the stock with a spoon with holes in it (thine holy spoon).

Step 11: Chill, Smother in horseradish, Feed to husband.

Vayechi Genesis 47:28-50:26

Jacob wants to reveal/
the end of days but leaves it to/
subway crackpots instead

*****************

Read this parshah! http://www.chabad.org/parshah/torahreading_cdo/aid/15558

Read Past Parshah Haikus!!

http://is.gd/5FHqa -vayigash

http://is.gd/5FGXS -mikeitz

http://is.gd/5r8rA -vayeishev

http://is.gd/5jGbN -vayishlach

http://is.gd/5ebKS -vayeitzei

http://is.gd/56fLI -toldot

http://is.gd/4YT8J -chayei sarah

http://is.gd/4RJW7 -vayeira

http://is.gd/4RJYS -lech lecha

http://is.gd/4RK0s -noach

http://is.gd/4RK38 -bereshit

For those of you who missed previous haikus or are desperately trying to block my poor attempts at pious poetry out of your minds-I’ve decided to write haikus for every parshah in the Torah! (goyim translation: I make a weekly 5-7-5 diddy about sections of ye olde testament)

Vayigash Genesis 44:18-47:27

(ok so this haiku is a week late- better than never!)

Let’s move to Goshen/
What could possibly go wrong?/
Pharoh’s a cool guy

*********************

Read this Parshah! http://www.chabad.org/parshah/torahreading_cdo/aid/15557

Read Past Parshah Haikus!!
http://is.gd/5FGXS -mikeitz

http://is.gd/5r8rA -vayeishev

http://is.gd/5jGbN -vayishlach

http://is.gd/5ebKS -vayeitzei

http://is.gd/56fLI -toldot

http://is.gd/4YT8J -chayei sarah

http://is.gd/4RJW7 -vayeira

http://is.gd/4RJYS -lech lecha

http://is.gd/4RK0s -noach

http://is.gd/4RK38 -bereshit

For those of you who missed previous haikus or are desperately trying to block my poor attempts at pious poetry out of your minds-I’ve decided to write haikus for every parshah in the Torah! (goyim translation: I make a weekly 5-7-5 diddy about sections of ye olde testament)

Mikeitz Genesis 41:1-44:17

Fat cow Skinny cow/
Ben gets planted with pimp cup/
by Governor Joe

********************

Read this parshah! http://www.chabad.org/parshah/torahreading_cdo/aid/15556

Read Past Parshah Haikus!!

http://is.gd/5r8rA -vayeishev

http://is.gd/5jGbN -vayishlach

http://is.gd/5ebKS -vayeitzei

http://is.gd/56fLI -toldot

http://is.gd/4YT8J -chayei sarah

http://is.gd/4RJW7 -vayeira

http://is.gd/4RJYS -lech lecha

http://is.gd/4RK0s -noach

http://is.gd/4RK38 -bereshit

For those of you who missed previous week’s haiku or are desperately trying to block my poor attempts at pious poetry out of your minds-I’ve decided to write haikus for every parshah in the Torah! (goyim translation: I make a weekly 5-7-5 diddy about sections of ye olde testament)

Vayeishev: Genesis 37:1-40:23

Ditched by his brothers/
who don’t like his colored coat/
Joe heads to Egypt

********************

Read this parshah! http://www.chabad.org/parshah/torahreading_cdo/aid/15555

Read Past Parshah Haikus!!

http://is.gd/5jGbN -vayishlach

http://is.gd/5ebKS -vayeitzei

http://is.gd/56fLI -toldot

http://is.gd/4YT8J -chayei sarah

http://is.gd/4RJW7 -vayeira

http://is.gd/4RJYS -lech lecha

http://is.gd/4RK0s -noach

http://is.gd/4RK38 -bereshit

For those of you who missed previous week’s haiku or are desperately trying to block my poor attempts at pious poetry out of your minds-I’ve decided to write haikus for every parshah in the Torah! (goyim translation: I make a weekly 5-7-5 diddy about sections of ye olde testament)

Vayeitzei- Genesis 28:10-32:3 

Jake sees a ladder/

Opens a can of whoop Ass/

And begets 12 sons

***********

READ THIS WEEK’S PARSHAH! http://www.chabad.org/parshah/default_cdo/jewish/Parshah.htm

Read Past Parshah Haikus!!

http://is.gd/56fLI -toldot

http://is.gd/4YT8J -chayei sarah

http://is.gd/4RJW7 -vayeira

http://is.gd/4RJYS -lech lecha

http://is.gd/4RK0s -noach

http://is.gd/4RK38 -bereshit

For those of you who missed previous week’s haiku or are desperately trying to block my poor attempts at pious poetry out of your minds-I’ve decided to write haikus for every parshah in the Torah! (goyim translation: I make a weekly 5-7-5 diddy about sections of ye olde testament)

Vayeira (Genesis 18:1-22:24)

Sodom butt pirates/

Hey Abe! Ditch Ish and Kill Itz!/

Just Kidding. Kill Ram

********************************

For those of you who missed last week’s haiku or are desperately trying to block my poor attempts at pious poetry out of your minds-I’ve decided to write haikus for every parshah in the Torah! (goyim translation: I make a weekly 5-7-5 diddy about sections of ye olde testament)

READ THIS WEEK’S PARSHAH!! http://www.chabad.org/parshah/torahreading_cdo/aid/9170

Lech Lecha: (Genesis 12:1-17:27)

G*d shows Abe Canaan/

Hey Mister! She’s my sister!/

Foreskin for the win!

*******************

For those of you who missed last week’s haiku or  are desperately trying to block my poor attempts at pious poetry out of your minds-I’ve decided to write haikus for every parshah in the Torah! (goyim translation: I make a weekly 5-7-5 diddy about sections of ye olde testament)

READ THIS WEEKS PARSHAH http://www.chabad.org/parshah/TorahReading.asp?AID=9169&p=1

Noach: (Genesis 6:9-11:32)

G*d gets hella pissed/

Noah sloshes around in an arc/

Then gets really sloshed

*********

BONUS HAFTORAH HAIKU! (Isaiah 54:1-10)

Isaiah says chill/

G*d won’t get pissed off at Jews/

Hills might collapse tho

*******

For those of you who missed last week’s haiku or  are desperately trying to block my poor attempts at pious poetry out of your minds-I’ve decided to write haikus for every parshah in the Torah! (goyim translation: I make a weekly 5-7-5 diddy about sections of ye olde testament)

Read this weeks parshah! http://www.chabad.org/parshah/TorahReading.asp?AID=9168&p=1

david blaine

Mathias Brugman

Quiara Alegria Hudes

Julio P Kaplan

Geraldo Rivera

Brenda K Starr

Joaquin Phoenix

Manny Lehman