September 2010
67 posts
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You know those greasy haired american spirit smoking hipster guys who look perpetually pissed off and have legs skinnier than my finger and wear buddy holly glasses even though they have 20/20 vision (you know because it’s ironic or some shit) and listen to bands you’ve never heard of through headphones bigger than my tits? I saw one standing in my lobby. WE’RE ALL DOOMED
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“Fathom the odd hypocrisy that Obama wants every citizen to prove they
are...”
– ~ Ben Stein
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Grandma: So you're having the baby soon
Me: Yes
Grandma: Do you know how to take care of one?
Me: I have a general idea
Grandma: Oh yeah? What do you do with a baby?
Grandpa: You throw them!
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Mr Levin: What should we do about the lunch situation?
Me: Well I was thinking....
Mr Levin: No good can come of that
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Me: The leading cause of death for pregnant women is homicide
Mr Levin: You won't be pregnant for much longer
Someone in my building is cooking something that smells fantastic. I don’t know what it is or who is making it but I really want some. How rude would it be to knock on doors until I find them and then beg for some food? What if I brought a bottle of wine? Vodka? Shrooms?
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Food Stamp Challenge: Dinner and Diabetes
I skipped my afternoon snack so I could have a decent sized dinner.
Now for DINNER!!!!!
1 Hebrew National hotdog: $0.67 (6g protein)
2 hard boiled eggs $0.36 (12g protein)
1 navel orange $0.99 (2g protein)
5oz green beans $0.40 (4g protein)
The orange was expensive, but since I didn’t get all the fruit I usually eat/should have my body was REALLY craving an orange. I inhaled it.
...
Food Stamp Challenge: Mid-morning snack and WIC...
Pregnant women qualify for extra money and food under the WIC program.
These extras are:
4.8oz of juice/day
2.8 cups of milk/day
1 dozen eggs/month (which adds up to 1/2 egg per day)
$0.33/day voucher for fruits & veggies
2oz beans/day
0.5oz bread/day
I will incorporate this into my challenge total.
Now for SNACK!!!!
I had my 4.8oz of orange juice, which is half of what i usually...
$3.75 (Pregnant Lady) Food Stamp Challenge:...
Can a Glucose-Intolerant 9 months pregnant chick feed herself and her fetus on $3.75 a day (the new daily allowance for people on food stamps)?
A few things to consider before answering that question:
I need to eat 80-100 grams of protein per day (Protein helps Fetus grow)
Glucose Intolerance is something I developed when I got pregnant. It’s that thing that if you don’t watch what...
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Only in NY (you can't make this shit up)
Today during Cecil’s morning walk he passed two school boys who were both eating American cheese sandwiches. Cecil LOVES cheese so when he saw the sandwiches he lunged towards the boys so he could start his begging routine. One of the boys freaked out and tried to kick Cecil away. Cecil responded by barking. Then the following exchange occurred:
Boy 1: Why you training your dog to attack...
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The Republican Primary -meh-
The Republican Primary is tomorrow! I don’t know why I put an exclamation point on that… it’s not much of a primary. Either way, as your friendly neighborhood GOPer, here are my thoughts on (and who I’m voting for) tomorrow. And you thought only the Dems got to have primary fun…
GOVERNOR
I still have no idea who I’m voting for in the gubernatorial race. Carl...
Forgiveness
Did I piss you off this year? Insult your mother? Hurt your feelings? Break a promise? Did my dog pee on your leg? Did I pee on your leg? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I would like to apologize (I’m sorry). I probably didn’t mean to piss you off. If I did mean to piss you off I’m sorry for that too.
In the spirit of Teshuva (and of not wanting to be written in...
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The 80s
Mike: There was a TV show! Dammit what's it called? With that helicopter! You turned your head and it moved with you!
Me: *shrugs*
Mike: *smacks head in frustration*
Me: You have issues
Mike: No I have 80s
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In America, we have the freedom to be assholes. Everyone. Even the assholes
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The cleaning lady just got here- 4 hours late. Because I totally have time for this- it’s not like it’s erev rosh hafuckingshana & I’m 8 1/2 months pregnant or anything
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Welcome to South Florida! (A Random Pregnancy...
I’m now at the point in my pregnancy where medical professionals are interested in the goings on of my vageen. REALLY interested. Maybe I’m prudish or overly sensitive or something but this bugs me. I’m just not used to/comfortable with having so many people (women or men) poking around my lady bits.
Especially people I don’t really know- when Captain Doctor and Resident...
I was at an indoor playground today and this little girl holding a baby doll walked in. She stood a few feet away from the wall and threw the doll against the wall…hard. The doll hit the wall and fell on the floor and the little girl laughed maniacally. She repeated this for about 20 minutes. Throw hard laugh maniacally throw hard laugh maniacally throw hard laugh maniacally.
Creepy
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